| Turkeython 2005 (11.26.05 - 11.26.05, 4 movies) |
| Date Viewed | Movie | Director | Notes |
| 11.26.05 | Blood Freak | Steve Hawkes, Brad F. Frinter | Anyone that's been to an all-night movie marathon will surely agree that it's a very unique experience. Throughout the night, several things happen. The sheltering womb-like atmosphere of the darkened theater takes on greater significance, stretching the midnight hours into a timeless span where the outside world ceases to exist. The movies themselves compress and expand like living breathing things controlled by their quality and pacing. A really great film flies by in seemingly less than 40 minutes but a terrible film will blunder and wheeze for hours upon hours, letting your mind wander to thoughts of your comfortable bed at home, that glorious feeling of closing your eyes and falling into deep sleep, and all of those people in their own beds right now that were sane enough to stay away from this torturous experience. You might think that watching six films back to back would really test your endurance, but think back to this in the midst of that fourth film and it's really not. When it's programmed right, the films fall like dominos and you step out into the fresh silent air of a new morning on a bit of a high, ready for some breakfast and then some sleep. There's also a sense of camaraderie between those most hardcore of audience members who stick it out in the cold dark hours while those around us stop nodding off long enough to leave in a state of delirium. I may not know your name, dude two rows behind me with the shirt that says "mono," but we are still brothers. Anyone that's been to an all-night movie marathon knows about that which I write. It's a real experience that helps some movies and hurts others. A good example would be the infamous screening of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet parts 1-4 as a precursor to the final film in Quentin Tarantino's all-night '80s horror movie marathon as part of QT6 (full coverage here). It must sound like such a non-event to those that weren't there but for those that were... we know, man. We know. And so this particular addiction to which I was first exposed back in July and got hooked on at QT6 now drew me to Tim League's latest answer to the Alamo Drafthouse's Thanksgiving Weekend blues: The first annual Turkeython. Turkeython '05 consisted of four gems of cinema plucked for their unfortunate "turkey" status. While it may have been billed as bad movies all night, Alamo regulars know better than to think that these films were actually looked down upon. Sure enough, one of the first things that Tim mentioned in his introduction was that, although these movies aren't winning awards or anything, they are certainly beloved here at the Drafthouse and he would defend the honor of any one of these so, for the sake of all that is holy, don't talk at the screen! They then proceeded to show their latest "don't talk or we'll take your a$$ out" spot, this time taken from Gremlins where a bunch of loud annoying little green late-night snackers get blown up en masse. Point taken. Trailers: -Theater of Blood ("They died spectacularly...grotesquely...horribly") -The Town That Dreaded Sundown (Ben Johnson vs. the Phantom Killer) -Carnival of Blood ("Begins where Hitchcock stopped!") -Curse of the Headless Horseman ("Rated PG" narrated over a shot of a decapitated head) The first film of the night might also be the most fitting. It seems to take the whole turkey thing to extremes. It's a story about a muscle-bound do-gooder who gets hooked on the pot and then, after eating scientifically-tampered turkey, wakes up with the head of a giant bird, proceeding to go completely homicidally insane... but not before having his way with several women turkey-style. The movie, of course is Blood Freak Aside from being a morality tale about the dangers of drug abuse and scientific turkey tampering, Blood Freak is also a study in how all actors are not created equal. They sure do make em special down there in rural Florida, as Errol Morris' Vernon, Florida attests, and Blood Freak proves a solid example of how Georgia and Tennessee don't hold a candle to the massive backwoods lawn art trailer trash that Florida spawns in its sticky humid swamps and lowlands. This is a phenomenally sweaty movie, filled with hot girls who can't act, old codger farmers who can't act, and good ol' boy hippies who... can't really act. My overriding thought as I watched star/producer/co-writer/director Steve Hawkes stumble around blindly in his giant turkey-head appliance was that it must be sweltering in there. The guy deserves some sort of credit just for baking his brains in a giant artificial turkey, even if his muscle-bound arm is weird and scabby. At least I think it was a turkey. It really didn't look like one, but three distinct gobble sounds repeated on the sound track over and over whenever he was on screen so I assume it was. The esteemed filmmakers also only had one or two different screams recorded, repeating each at least eight times one after the other whenever someone was supposed to die by turkey-headed mayhem. Frenzied laughter caught hold in the theater when this economic "technique" became painfully evident. I think it peaked around x5 or x6 but by x9 it was pretty over. Since this was a holiday event, there should really be some learning involved. Things I learned from Blood Freak -even low-budget exploitation films from the '70s have lame "it was all a dream" resolutions. -If a scientist pays you to eat something, don't do it. -if you wake up on a table saw with your leg being cut off, try to scream the exact same way each time. It's better that way. |
| 11.26.05 | Darktown Strutters | William Witney | Trailers: -Greased Lightning -Scream, Blacula, Scream -Foxy Brown I missed Tim's introduction to the next film of the night because I was out in the lobby talking to Kier-la (heh heh). Apparently he had warned the crowd that this movie would be too much to handle at 4 AM; it was that strange. After a cadre of blaxploitation trailers, a title card appeared stating "If this film bares any resemblance to Cinderella... it's bull$h!t!" From there we have a gang of vividly dressed female three-wheel chopper vixens rolling into a beachfront snack stand and getting in a Keystone Kops undercranked chase sequence ending with white guys thrown into a public toilet. From there, it gets a bit crazy. I've been trying to think of some way to sum up or explain this movie for any who haven't seen it. Here's my best try: Imagine the kind of humor in I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka! but not as subtle melded with the social sensibility and roughness of Sweet Sweetback's Badaaassss Song, now replace "The Man" with Colonel Sanders: owner of a "Sky Pig" fast food rib joint who has cotton bushes planted in his front lawn. OK, now throw in some ludicrously inept/racist cops, a KKK biker gang that wears their robes and hoods as they ride, a few musical numbers, the requisite amount of stereotypical black '70s caricatures in vividly gaudy costumes, and stir fervently to a funky bassline. Oh, I forgot to mention the cloning machine with an "abort" button in the form of a breast. Now stretch that gonzo concoction like taffy until it's about 20 minutes too long and you have Darktown Strutters. There were technical difficulties about an hour into the screening and while we sat in darkness the guy next to me leaned over and said "I thought this was a trailer for like ten minutes." I laughed then he asked me what this movie was about and I didn't really have an answer for him. The film started back up and never really ventured into the realm of logic or comprehension So it's probably true that this movie would've killed me had I seen it at 4 AM. Things Learned from Darktown Strutters -Both veteran TV western director William Witney and Grosse Point Blank director George Armitage must have some chemical excuse for not remembering 1975. -If you ever accidentally touch a guy named VD, ask him to make you clean and he will squirt you with his oversized hypodermic needle. -I still have no clue what the hell anything had to do with Cinderella. |
| 11.26.05 | Silent Night, Deadly Night | Charles E. Sellier, Jr. | Trailers: -A Christmas Story -Demonoid ("This is a warning for those who believe, eternal damnation for those who do not") -Motel Hell (complete with a messenger of death, a piggy with a chainsaw, and a "secret garden" of people buried up to their necks in dirt with their heads covered by burlap sacks) With the wait staff fleeing and Tim taking up the Projectionist's reins, the shamefully few of us who showed up for this event moved into the third film of the night. Silent Night, Deadly Night was shown pretty recently as part of QT6's '80s Horror Movie Night and I think both Blake and Charlie reviewed the film better than I can (coverage here and here), so instead of going on and on, I'll just mention that the mustachiod cop who shoots the wrong Santa has the reddest eyes ever. Get some Visine, man... you look so high! After the movie, Tim played the Alamo's full recording of Quentin Tarantino, together with Robert Rodriguez, re-enacting the film's great beginning scene (glimpsed here) on stage for all those lucky enough to stick it out for the last night of QT6. Just a little Thanksgiving treat doubling as a reminder of why the Alamo Drafthouse is the best theater in the world. You don't see Tarantino acting out scenes at the Arclight do you? Hell No! Things Learned from Silent Night, Deadly Night -Every nice boy and girl wants a bloody box cutter for Christmas. Trust me. -Shoot your movie in a toy store so 15 years from now even if the movie sucks 20-somethings can watch and see in the background all the toys they had when they were kids. -If all your kid can say is "naughty" and "punish," get him some help. No matter how muscular his body or cherubic his face is, get him some help. |
| 11.26.05 | Inframan | Shan Hua | Trailers: -The Bodyguard (VIVA! CHIBA!!) -Robotrix (Sympathy for Lady Robocop?) -Sting of the Dragon Masters (with hilarious use of Bernard Herrmann's North by Northwest score) For the final movie of the night, Tim introduced Inframan: A Shaw Brothers cash-in on the Ultraman series complete with the best villain of all time (Princess Dragon Mom) and a lackadaisical motorcycle chase which did indeed prove to be quite leisurely and well-described. With that, Tim thanked us all for coming out and hurried up to the projection room to start the reels. The other contributors to this site whup my butt with their Shaw Brothers knowledge. Therefore, what I offer up a novice's perspective. This site is also no stranger to this movie (evidence here) but one thing happened during this specific screening that made it extra special and cool. Just as Princess Dragon Mom came on and went into her whole world domination monologue, a technical issue tripped out the projector and the film slowly sped down to a stop. Hearing her plans for complete control of the planet distend and deform into low guttural whispers that left us all deeply impressed. The guy next to me said that should've been in the movie right there for real. I agreed. Of course, two guys sitting in the back filled us in on what she actually said, presumably because they had the movie memorized. They then went on to debate the other merits of the movie until the difficulty was fixed and Princess Dragon Mom popped on the screen with her awesome snake head/whip hand once more. I personally found the movie pretty exhausting. So much fighting. So many explosions. It's the kind of movie that starts off at 103 mph and never dips under 70. It was great and hilarious and absurd and strange but also pretty tiring. I did notice one moment though, where a man in suit must have been stuck on set too long because he was totally doing the pee-pee dance off in the background. I'm also trying to figure out which was my favorite kung-fu monster. I think it has to be drill-man because his drill was so curved and non-functional and he really makes no sense. He's like a clump of dirt with a drill for one hand and an inanimate metal claw/vice for the other. That knows kung-fu. Awesome. Things learned from Inframan -Scientists are cooler with Austin Powers wigs. -Just because you're an elemental demon spirit or whatever doesn't mean you don't have to go to the bathroom every once in a while. -Having eyeballs on your hands must be kinda cool... like... when you're alone... and curious. With that the night ended. A tad premature in my opinion. It's not a full-on all-nighter unless you walk out to bright shiny morning sunlight if you ask me. Still, dumping about a dozen of us out into the deserted 4:30 AM Austin streets felt suitably alien, like we had been on some long journey and had finally found that loose brick in the tunnel which let us escape back into civilization. According to Tim, they're planning another horrorthon for the future so if this sounded like fun and you're in the area be sure to make it out. These are truly special events that deserve recognition and applause. |
